Writing may be the way to get me through this journey. Ashley is going to India. That’s an Amazing thing!! India Volume 2 is happening in two days. I feel this feeling of aloneness. I feel a feeling of going out on my own… And yet I feel a feeling of okayness somehow in there… I feel a little like pack-man, like I am going to collect these golden coins, which I don't know what they are… And I am going on what my astrologer being said about having this multi-dimensional experience and relationships are healing and that this is my time to go within… And the surf bit, which I always feel a part of and am now about to embody. And all the potential. The Unknown takes my breath away sometime and I have to remember to breathe. As my healer said “You made your bed, now you lie in it.” Well, true, and a little harsh I’d say. I don't even know what I want out of this trip except… I do need some time for myself and I feel a little stuck in this glorious house… Two or 3 weeks will be just what I need to let go and Let God.
I also cant help but feel that there is something more for me out there. It is not a feeling that the grass is greener whatsoever, as I feel that I live in very green pastures, like big time. That is part of what is so scary! It is more like the going out on my own, into the unknown that freaks me out and makes me ask: wait, why are you leaving your pasture? You have it so good here, so easy… But I am overstaying my welcome or outgrowing my surroundings, not in an arrogant way but in a way that I feel that there is something more.. That is another part of the fear: but what if there isn't anything more and this is all just a big failure and you get hurt or sad or whatever it is. But I think of my first time in India two years ago and it was all the pain that made the difference, made the growth, made it so freaking worth it. And the shedding of my old self. And the coming into my new self.
Oh an on another note: I think I want kids.