M u s i n g s
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My friend had just broken up with his partner of several years. He asked me: You seem good with being alone with yourself. Do you have any tips? I had also gone through a breakup several years ago, and it felt like a deep severing from a place I did not belong that would allow me to return to myself. I told him: I spent lots of time on the couch with Zaak (my dog), crying and grieving. It was painful. I sat with myself, feeling all the sadness, the grief, the wanting to reach out to my ex, the not reaching out to him, and i felt it and stayed with myself and let myself feel it all. This is an important part, perhaps the most important part of learning to be okay with being alone. Because if you can be with yourself when you are going through difficult emotions and not abandon yourself by trying to change the subject, go do something else, find some distraction then you can show yourself that you can handle yourself, your emotions, that you are truly and deeply there for yourself. Maybe you pick yourself up and go to yoga the next day, or try to nourish yourself with some good food or be good or gentle to yourself in whatever way you need. This is important. Because you are showing yourself that you love yourself and that even on your own, you are worth taking care of yourself. You are worth taking care of yourself even when it feels like there is no one else there. Even if you are crying on your own couch, you are there for you. You don’t go anywhere. You stay present to yourself. If your friend was crying, you would stay there and be there and not try to fix it; you’d ask if they’d like some tea. You’d let them sleep and you’d check in with them later. This is exactly what we learn to do for ourselves and when we do this, we learn how to be alone without feeling lonely because you are there for yourself. Even if you do feel lonely, that’s okay, you are there for yourself. One important way of understanding may be that emotions are not bigger than us, how can they be? We contain and are the holders of our emotions. Our emotions are not bigger than us. If we can stay present to them, without running away from them, we can feel them and let them pass through us. It is okay to reach out to someone, like a therapist for help. Next, you need to get to know yourself as you are now. Sometimes life, jobs, relationships can pull us away from who we are. Who are you? What do you love? What do you love when you are alone when it is just you? Nourish that. Nurture that. Reclaim yourself. If you have changed yourself to fit into another place or space, you can let go of that now and repatriate yourself, remember who you are, what you do. You may be reclaiming ways that you once were as you may be meeting the way that you do things now. You are meeting yourself again. Explore. Be curious. Be loving. If you’ve left a relationship or this may apply to some other area in your life, and you have a tendency to caretake others, avoid the tendency to check up on or continue to nourish the other person. You are on a new path and so are they. Of course this is different if there is alimony or kids involved and so forth. Use your common sense. If it is a basic break up, say thank you and get your things and move on. You have broken up for a reason and your new life and renewed self is calling you. If you continue to focus on the other person then you will be abandoning yourself. This is about being there for yourself. Next, if you can’t spend time alone — you are distracting yourself with food, video games, scrolling, shopping, drugs, alcohol then you are avoiding something. What is it? This is your work. No amount of drugs or distraction will wipe the blues or the trauma you’ve experienced away. It is like the story of the princess and the pea. No matter how many mattresses are piled on top of the pea, you will still feel the lump of the pea. Our job, should we choose to accept it, if we wish to feel at home in ourselves is to do the work to heal those places within us. This is your journey. And then you do you. You do the things and go to the places that call you and that scare you. Maybe you’ve already done that as you spend time repatriating and remembering yourself. And you continue to do that. And life will lead you to the places and faces that you are meant to meet to nourish that deeper part of you. Then when you really are ready to step out into the world to meet people you will do so in a way where you are not stepping outside yourself in order to meet the other. You will be meeting other while being rooted deeply in yourself; not seeking in the other something you haven’t yet located in yourself - like love for example. When you walk in the forest or sit by the lake, when you are somewhere in nature you feel that you are not alone, that nature holds you, accepts you, understands you and even speaks to you if you take the time to listen. Nature is a great healer and I believe that she helps us in our process of being with ourselves; we are her and are always connected to her. Enter her arms and you will feel held, completely. This is how you conquer your own loneliness. Remember that Alone can be All One. Xo
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When Rainbows Arise
and faulty perception drifts, dissolves, transmutes and you Realize you have a Choice to Create... each Moment... the Be the Light... to Step into Your Power and Walk Forward in the Dream... Diamonds appear and you realize this is Greater than you yet you are Great... and the Lion Mane appears in your Heart... your Royalty Arrives... And you're now Free to Flow... It all becomes a Dream, a Dance... You Realize you aren't below nor above but you Are... a Creatrice... Your Mind matters... your Movement and Mudra matter. Energy and Intention is Supreme... As you luxuriate and radiate the cosmic flow. Offer. Make it all an Offering of Presence... Perfect Presence and Love. Perfect Love. You can Slow into the Rush... the Ecstasy of Life... Become a transmitter and transmute the Energy... into Pure Presence... Love... is the Ultimate Alchemist the Ultimate Friend and Knower... the Ultimate Light maker... the Supreme Force that forces nothing, abides only in the Sweetness of itself. For it is within that there is true Knowledge... The True Healer... exists within You. Open your body... stretch open your Rivers. Feel into each pool and circulate the chi... Let your Breath be the Winds of change, the water of Life. May I slow each breath and drink it like sweet nectar dew... May each exhale become a transpiration of Love. May we Honour the Mother and return to our Roots. May we heal the disconnection and feel into our infinite network of Knowing. May the drum beat of life tap, rap, knock on the door of My Heart so that she opens, blossoms the flower... of Life! The Flower of Life... Maybe I become Open and Aware willing to share this is not us. We are Her. Shakti Power Pulse Return to Presence... Moving into the Truth of our Inner Knowing... Competition is an illusion. The Dream Includes Us All. You are are Embraced in each Moment. Trust and turn your Gaze to the Sun and the Inner One. Saturday morning I was feeling out what to do with my day - do I go to Thai Boxing or to the vintage flea market? I checked in with my body and she said she needed Yoga to restore my prana (energy) and I felt the clothing sale was something to really check out.
So I dressed myself in my long, tall 70’s inspired light denim jeans and my maroon Ganesha tee and walked to the market. There, I spotted a fabulous gold dress and peeking through the rack I saw my friend, a gal who’d modelled for my eco-fashion line many years before, there as a vendor, the vendor of this gold dress in fact. We began to talk and she told me she was breaking up with her boyfriend and her heart was breaking. She also told me she recently saw my sister who she was talking about the breakup to and my sister asked her if she had ever written a list with all the qualities of a partner was were simply ‘musts’ - deal breakers if they weren’t present in someone she met. This is how both my sister and her husband of 7 years (who are deeply in Love and Alignment) found each other: through the quantum power of lists. They both had lists. And they both met each other’s lists. My friend told me how one of the things she is learning is to Love herself enough to ask for her needs to be met. She works on self Love by affirming to herself “I love you, I love you, I love you…” repeating this mantra inwards to herself even and perhaps especially when her self-esteem wavers and she needs to stabilize. She also spoke to how she does this in the mirror - one of the most Powerful and personally revolutionary practices I have ever done. She said to me “You know how people look at the person they Love with those eyes that say that they Love the other person, like deeply?” “Yes,” I said. “Well, imagine if we looked at ourselves that way.” Yep, totally, this is some next level mirror work for sure. I mean I have heard and read the words “Fall in Love with yourself" but imagine actually gazing at yourself like you are completely in Love with yourself. I am going to try it and work on it. This is going to be the next level of my Self-Love project. My friend spoke about being alone and said something about hoping she meets someone and if not she’ll just get a bunch of animals (one’s that have one eye, and others with missing legs) and take care of them. Reflecting on her energy field I kind of sensed that there would be someone in her Life and that perhaps she’d look after some animals in addition to having a meaningful relationship with a human being. I then remembered this Empowering moment that I had when I made the decision to move to Toronto to go to Psychotherapy school in the next three days I didn't know where I was going to live. But when I was speaking with my Mom I had this shift where I realized that wherever I went, I would be there and that would be significant to the people around me, like my neighbours and the neighbourhood. It was a moment of taking my Power back. I said to my friend “You know, maybe it is not about you finding someone but maybe it is about you being Free so that someone can experience you and learn from you.” And that resonated with her. And she could see her specialness and her Power. And she said “Oh wow. Maybe this is not about me waiting for someone. Maybe this is about me coming into someone else’s Life to share my Light and Love.” And with that she gifted me a pair of pink lacy knickers and said “Think of me when you wear them.” “I will,” I said. We gave each other a big hug and I strolled out of the market, knickers in hand, feeling complete. And I heard the song and words of Bob Marley on the Way Home: “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our mind… Redemption Song.” When I came home I had centered into my Yoga practice. I think I may it may simply have been a continuation of my flea market adventure - transmuting energy as we flow. Welcome to the Mind-Body- Spiritual perspective of Colonic Hydrotherapy, a.k.a. Colonic Irrigation, a.k.a. Colonics! Here is my journey with Colonics. Here I tell you a bit about how I arrived at such a journey and about the journey itself.
I had had a colonic once before, about 8 years prior while on a Raw Food cleanse. It was a relatively simple colonic treatment that left me feeling less bloated, brightened my complexion and gave my cheeks a natural fresh flush of colour. So having a colonic this time around wasn't entirely new territory for me. What was new for me, however, is where I was in my Life. I had very recently returned from an intensive Spiritual Psychotherapy training in California, and I felt that my whole body-mind and even Spirit had to up-level in order to integrate the teachings. I had an intuitive feeling that this colonic irrigation was going to be a major piece that would assist me in letting go of any part of my past, any old programming, and out-dated belief systems that kept me anchored in a place or way of being that no longer felt resonant. This colonic would thus allow me to further Align with my true Self, my true Life, the one that was emerging for me if only I could find it within me to allow it. It was Easter weekend and I pulled up to the Renaissance Clinic. How appropriate. The same weekend Jesus would Die and be Resurrected, was the same weekend that I would go through my own kind of death and rebirth. I would Let Go of a remarkable amount inner baggage I knew I had on an emotional level that was being held on a physical level in my gut. Aside from the fact that my skin was not great and that I felt physically heavy, I also was carrying an essence of depression on some level, felt stuck in general and suffered mental lethargy with bouts of negativity. I felt like I was in a repetitive trance where it was very hard for me to move forward in my Life; I was stuck. As I sat in my car outside of the Renaissance Clinic I decided to check in with myself and acknowledge that I was about to be letting go of a lot here. I was about to be releasing what no longer served me and this was largely energetic, emotional and mental in Nature. I asked myself if I was ready to do that, to Let Go. Part of me remained silent as though it was not ready and part of me gave a ‘yes okay let’s do this.’ I knew that my mind-body would have to be in sync with this experience in order for me to let go enough for this treatment to work the way it needed to work- for me to let go and step into the upgrade. Speaking of letting go, I had seen post after post after post on Instagram saying ‘Let Go.’ I saw so many posts back to back, over and over, I literally thought to myself ‘did I miss the memo on international Let Go day/week/month?’ I then realized that I was synchronistically being shown again and again to Let Go. It really wasn't until I was in the car, minutes before the colonic that I consciously realized what was happening. I was about to let go. I was about to let go of years and years of physically and emotionally impacted and stagnating material. During that ninety minute session, the amount of waste and toxins that was released in that session Amazed me. Six massive cylinders of water flushed in and out of my colon, taking the stuck waste and stuck emotions with it. During the session I felt a wave of sadness rush over me, the kind of sadness that you might feel in a pigeon pose in a yoga class, where emotions just come up and out. Tears rolled down my face as the flood of emotion flushed through and out of my system. I could not hold my words in as I felt they were paramount to my healing so I said to the beautiful, kind and calm practitioner “May I talk?” She encouraged me to say whatever was on my Heart/Mind. I told her “I did these studies in California that had to do with Shamanism and I feel that this colonic irrigation is me getting rid of the stuff that is old and holding me back so that these new teachings and energy can land and anchor in me and up-level me. I have to get rid of the old stuff so this new upgrade can integrate.” She then began to tell me about some of her own experiences with Shamanism as she massaged my belly to keep moving the waste out of me. She says that by implementing her Shamanic tools she has many spot-on intuitive hits about her clients. Imagine that: combining energy medicine with a very physical health treatment. Brilliant. After our session she had me hang out for a little while. I felt like she wanted me to just rest for a minute as she figured out her spotty internet connection to process my payment. I would normally be slightly impatient but I just relaxed and she gave me some fresh pressed juice and I read a book on plant medicine and how the plants speak to us and I opened the book to the section on the Lotus. I smiled as I was reminded myself of the old spiritual adage: “no mud, no lotus” which so vividly portrayed my situation of no mud (poop/waste), no lotus (healing/spaciousness). I was exhausted after my session and took two naps that afternoon before going to sleep for a solid nine hours. My dreams were crystal clear and vivid. There was no fogginess - like what did I dream? I knew exactly what I dreamed and experienced the dream with crystal clarity with incredible recall upon waking. I started to feel a real sense of renewal. I’ve witnessed my limiting beliefs dissolve since that colonic. Areas in my life where I couldn't seem to move forward, I now see a way forward. I’ve watched memories from childhood come back as well- just this morning I remembered how much I was into weaving as a child. I remembered it in this super visceral and vivid way. I am now able to access parts of myself that were not available to me for a very long time. Another thing that happened is that I am able now to see myself even more Clearly. I am able to see my own Power. Everyone has this Power and Beauty in them. It is our Divine right and gift. It can be hard to see when the old stuff, beliefs, patterns are stuck and in the way. This ancient technique of colonic hydrotherapy has a revolutionizing effect on my Mind-Body-Spirit system. And guess what? I am not done letting go! My hydrotherapist said I still have one more session to do since there was still some material stuck in the upper colon. I intuitively know that this is the part of me that made itself known that it wasn't ready to move when I did the check in in the car. I can feel this other emotional piece, this old luggage and baggage has started to move through my system now that the other stuff is gone. It is not comfortable. The liver, which can hold and store anger, had released it’s toxicity and with it pent up emotions (mainly anger and frustration) that I had been holding in and back for months ripped out of my system one morning. It was an incredible moment that I could not have anticipated. My Kali energy ripped right through me like a Lightening Bolt. So careful, colonics do release a lot. Be tender and gentle and protect your energy and nourish yourself gently pre and post colonic. All in all, the colonic for me means letting go and Rebirth. If you are ready for a shift, or want something to support your transformation, consider getting a colonic. Don’t forget to check in with yourself first and set an intention and let go and Allow. Make sure you get an Amazing practitioner. Make sure you get the Whole Sacred Experience. Bless you on your Journey. Bless you. I walked last night in the wild wintry air. I had earlier that day walked with my pup to the park and met a girl who was in the park without a dog but was there to take in the energy and greetings of the dogs there. “I remember when I didn't have a dog and I did that,” I told the girl. In our exchange she told me that she did have a dog but that she was staying at a recovery house for alcohol addiction. She wasn't even allowed to have a plant, let alone the company of her dog. I found something cloying about her energy as she kept talking and talking to me and I gracefully as possible extricated myself from the conversation and she continued on her way as did I.
In that cool air, I walked to a local cafe and took in a moment of self-care in the form of vegetable soup. As I returned home with a full belly I saw these three women (the three fates) standing in the sidewalk taking swigs from a bottle that looked like Crown Royal. As I got closer I could see the girl who had just taken a swig was the same girl from the park. She looked at me with a look of shame and weakness and I looked at her as if to say “What are you doing? You are better than this. You know better than this.” At the same time I was struggling with the idea of driving 7 hours to go see a man who had been dishonest with me. It had been a pattern that I had subconsciously allowed to repeat in my life over and over again to instigate healing. This was the pinnacle moment where I was making a decision to set myself up again in the position where I would be allowing someone to interact with me in a way that didn't feel good, to allow someone to be close to me in a way where I actually felt pretty bad about it, like I was cheating on myself. In a way I felt this girl was cheating on herself with the bottle of alcohol, allowing herself to be drawn into to something that wasn't good for her, that she was trying to heal from but was not committing to that healing. I knew she was a reflection of me and my situation with that man. Her alcohol abuse was mirroring my pattern of emotional abuse. I think of myself as a strong person in many ways and that that would never happen to me but it had been happening to me. After the girl left the group of three, two ladies were left and they were both First Nations women. I saw one of the woman’s face and she looked like she had been badly beaten at one point in her life; it looked like her eye may be missing or that part of her face structurally damaged. It was hard to see in the darkness of the night but I saw it. I saw the other lady try to kiss her but she stood there, standing straight and still but almost frozen, wanting to pull away but not doing it, not speaking for herself, just kind of allowing but not allowing in this frozen way. That’s what I have been doing, too. I have been allowing through just standing there, not asserting myself, not really engaging but sometimes no action is action, too. I saw the mess that alcohol had created in the moment, and the drama that was being played out. It was all so desperate, confused, in the shadows. A few minutes later I took my dog out for his evening walk and we were again enjoying the snowy coolness of the evening. My phone rang and it was the man I was maybe going to drive many hours to go visit the next day. I picked up the phone and we were chatting as I walked. I wasn't expecting to hear from him but there he was. Suddenly those same two women appeared and as they walked by one of them said “This is women’s empowerment?” And I could see oh so clearly that this was a direct mirror for me courtesy of the Universe of what was happening in my Life at this time. I could see the Universe was saying to me via these women “Really? This is how you are going to treat yourself as someone who is working on their personal Empowerment and teaching others to step into their Power?” The addiction to things, people, substances that hurt us, numb us, allowing abuse to be present in our lives, not taking a stand for ourselves, for what we truly want and need. The Universe gave me a choice. It set everything up for me quite perfectly- a car, a perfect place to stay on my travels, time off- everything was set. Except for one thing: my dog. My dog became sick and I had spent the previous evening with him at the Emergency Animal Hospital. His body was shaking and he wasn't well. Even though he was on the rebound to health I had to look at the situation and say “hang on, this little guy needs me now. He’s better but just barely and I can not throw him into the hands of a caretaker and say ‘You’ll be fine. See you in a few days,’ and shirk my responsibility to make sure he really returns to 100% health. I would have been doing that to myself if I had gone on that long drive to see the man who didn't really nourish me the way that I need to be nourished. I would have been saying to myself ‘You’ll be fine. I know you don't really want to do this drive and aren't even sure about whether you even want to do this trip, but if you do you'll get some temporary love (a swig from the bottle) and see what happens.” Well, I don't want to ‘see what happens’ because I know what will happen. I don't trust this guy and even though he has his own great qualities, it is probably not a good choice for me. Yes sure, I’ll get some external attention but at what cost? Well, the cost is huge actually- very expensive, very taxing, depleting in many ways. As I ended my walk I saw this young girl, probably about 7 years old sitting in the window of her home, with sparkly Christmas decorations around her and immersed in what she was working on, a christmas wish list or some homework perhaps. I could see myself in her, my younger self. And I stood there and looked at her for a moment and put myself at her age and what she would think is good and right and what she would do for herself. Would she go visit that guy? I don't think so. Would I have her go visit that guy? Absolutely not. So why would I ever do that to myself? So I didn’t. I woke up the next morning and knew in my Heart and my Self that I needed to stay home and care for my little Angel dog. I knew that I needed to stay home and Be Here for myself. And as I took my morning walk with my dog, who was feeling even better, I felt in my Heart and in my Whole Soul that I had done the right thing. I had put the bottle down. I had said Yes to me, to my Power, to my own true deep Self, to my own True needs, wishes and wants, which is really to take care, nurture and Love that little girl who is becoming a Goddess. I feel like I created a Space, an upgrade, a Healing, a Love and a Rightness or perhaps a Right Action within me. Dear One, choose You. All is Well.  What the Trees told me...
gathered for years and years, decades or longer. They spoke to me and said: Come sit with us. We know you can hear us. I did. I leaned against one and she cradled me, my spine. Where I long to be Vulnerable she embraced me wholly. They said: "Gather round. We have been you before and we will be you again." They asked me: Come sit with us. We know you can Hear us." This is the beginning of the continuation. Welcome, World. Welcome. Aloha. p.s. Trees aren't Green. They're Energy.  Where would you have me go?
What would you have me do? What would you have me say? I spoke these words aloud as I drove down the backroad on my way to teach a Yoga lesson this morning. Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say? As I repeated this chant again and again I started to connect with it, like a rope tethered to my Spirit Heart and felt the pulse of the words within me. They anchored and I asked… Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say? And I let go… And after the lesson, heading back to my car, where was my dog… He was just here, he is always here… I stepped out of my car and went to look and there, this red headed boy in a red t-shirt and blue shorts standing there saying something about something I could really barely understand… Something about "Tambo," the Trampoline that was behind him?? Was he asking me to trampoline? Follow me, he said… And so when you have asked the Universe to show you where to go and what to do and a little boy arrives in his full power asking you to please follow, you hardly hesitate at all, you just go. And so we did, over a hand made wooden bridge to a nearby island… paths were there for us to walk and a beautiful yurt with fairy lights that would light up and we looked inside for “Tambo” but noooo… And around the side of the cottage on the point, oh and he had me run, run like a child over that bridge and along that path and my pup running beside us… Enchanting… And of course people came out and I said hello and the boy ran inside and told me he had arrived with “the girl with the blue pants.” That was me, indigo yoga pants and i actually wore my running shoes that morning, which was perfect. Perfect for running across bridges and stopping to peer into yurts on new islands with a red headed boy, no more than 5 years old, with his red shirt. And my blue pants. It was perfect. The hilarious thing was staying Open while explaining to the ‘Adults’ who I was, how I got here … Yes, I told one of them about the prayer, the chant… Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say? “This is what I asked today, in my Prayer. And so when a child shows up and says you are going, you listen.” And the rest of the day was much like this. Free passes to a Yoga festival, and synchronistic events. Especially meeting the mermaid like girl on the dock with her tattoo written in Italian saying ‘don’t eat my butterflies.’ “What does it mean,” I said? She said it means, like don’t destroy my excitement, my joie de vivre, the things that make me feel alive. And we sat on the dock, having had just met and yet feeling perfectly in the pocket and perfectly met. THANK YOU, SPIRIT. p.s. The adults told me that "Tambo" was how the young boy pronounced "Campbell," one of the sons who cottaged there. My teacher's words are those I share with my students. Those words handed to me deliberately, I now offer them. And when received, I see the electric glint in their Eye. Breasts like cresting waves Despite attempts to manicure and shave dirt under my nails and stray hairs reveal my Wildness. As within, so without. And so I look to my Environment to Heal and Soothe as I look inwards to Heal and Soothe the External. The mirror ... Sun-diamonds glimmer on a Lake. I am Awake. I now have the feeling in my Solar Plexus of what it is to Be. I feel the urge, almost like a purge, to Create. This voice, not mine, never was, comes through and I am Happy, Blissed, to be Home. What words will you speak through me dear Voice. Finally in Letting Go, I find you. In surrendering, I fill. Been waiting for you, yet here you are - have been here all along. I am reminded of 'my' True Nature. No 'I', just Being. A vessel for Spirit, a Presence within. Letting go, I have heard the Call. Now I am present again to Manifest to hold dear Angelic Breath, Guidance. Oh to Listen! I'm Free. |
Ashley...Psychotherapy, Spiritual Direction, Yoga, Buddhism, the Path of the Heart, and Surfing... Find my musings here... Archives
September 2022
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